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~Vulnerable share~
With all those juicy yummy classes I teach, I often feel ‘in the mood’ lately. Which I LOVE, because it comes from within!
And in my classes I can totally enjoy all of it. We create this sensual bubble all together where I get to dance it out, celebrate it, feel like a WOMAN! Together with all of these awesome women.

Then I come home and I want to share that mood with my man! But teaching sensual dance classes and working 40 hours a week in an office are quite different things, so our moods don’t always match when we see each other. And we’re parents of a 2,5 year old girl, who does nót like it when we pay attention to each other and not to her. She can get quite jealous. ‘Mij Fiend!’ (‘my friend!’) she will say while pulling my face close to hers.

A few days ago, when I tried to seduce him, but without much success, it happened.
It felt like something cracked inside of me and I fell silent. I lied still and felt the shit coming up. It felt something like: ‘Okay I give up, fuck it’.

Then I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling so I started to think a lot of things about my man. Things he ‘néver’ does, things I ‘álways’ do. Those dangerous words that gave me a signal I wasn’t thinking so clearly anymore. But I couldn’t help it.
‘I’m a fucking sensual dance teacher and my man doesn’t want me!’
‘I’ll go and find myself another lover’
‘What the FUCK.
Just… what the fuck.’
I got angrier and angrier but didn’t speak. My mind went loco.
When he asked me what was going on, I went all the way in blaming him for what I felt. And it felt so TRUE at that moment!
I threw the whole bucket of tears and blame over his head and still felt angry afterwards.
We were so tired we decided to go to sleep.
It was hard to fall asleep with that armor around me.Two days later, the sadness came up. The vulnerability underneath that armor. And all of a sudden I saw flashbacks of myself as a little girl in primary school. Feeling alone, not seen, not part of the group. It felt like every girl in my class had had a boyfriend at some point, but not me. I didn’t feel seen by boys. I was too shy, too insecure. I didn’t feel beautiful at all.
It took AGES in my experience for boys to start noticing me. I remember it being my biggest desire: to be loved by a boy. A sweet, handsome one. A real boyfriend.
To hold hands with, to kiss, cuddle… To feel loved! For who I am.

And now I see why it’s the scariest thing in the world, to dance for my man. To seduce him with all that I’ve got.
I start to understand why I immediately transform into that 12 year old girl that longs so much to be seen by a boy,
when I show him the moves I taught that morning. While just an hour before that I was dancing like a sexy vamp in the dance studio!
There’s this little layer of awkwardness that covers my dance as soon as he’s in the room.

WHAT IF he will reject me. What if he will find it totally awkward and stupid.
What if… he won’t think I’m beautiful. 
That brings up tears.
Somewhere deep down I’m really afraid my man doesn’t find me sexy and beautiful. That he can’t see and receive my sensuality.
Somewhere deep inside of me there’s still that girl that’s convinced she’s not beautiful.
That girl longs with all of her heart to be received in all her beauty. To be deeply seen by a man.

I was really not aware of this pain inside, the last few years. I’m a bit surprised it comes up now, because most of the time I do feel beautiful! I love my body a lot of the time. I love to see myself dance.

And still, when I’m with my man, a certain insecurity is often there on the background.
Finally I understand why.

The last few days I’ve been telling that little girl inside that she’s welcome with all of her insecurity, her desires and her pain. I’m making space for her tears. It feels so raw, naked and vulnerable .. it’s beautiful and a bit scary at the same time. I just try to breathe through it.
Accept it as it is.
It was amazing to share this piece with my man. He received it with his heart wide open.
Hopefully I’ll notice her a bit earlier next time. So I can stay with that sadness instead of covering it with my anger and blame.
Gosh, relationships bring it all up man.
Pain, love, healing… The real deal.
I love it.

Request: This is quite scary to share, so please don’t go and give me advice, or try to ‘fix’ it. I do love to hear if you recognize it, or what you feel when you read it. Thank you.